Ask The Zamboni Lady: Revisited

I recently revisited this page, and realized it needed an update. But it’s still funny. And relevant. With a few modifications. Anyway. Long live Zamboni Lady!

DISCLAIMER: The Zamboni Lady is not a hockey player, Zamboni driver, or doctor, nor does she play one on TV.  She is, simply, a busybody who wants to know everyone else’s business.  The advice, while well-meant, is not meant to substitute for legal advice or protection, indicate a definitive way to live one’s life, or in any way imply that you should take her advice any more seriously than you would the advice of the bestie of your bestie, given out over a long and tear-soaked evening of nachos and margaritas.

Dear Zamboni Lady:  What about those women who happen to be from Mars?

Signed, Astrologically Perplexed

Dear Astro: I’m curious as to why you are unconcerned about the men who happen to be from Venus, but nevertheless you don’t raise that point.  Here’s the thing: That “men/women, Mars/Venus” idea is a dotty piece of crap written by a person who clearly perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction in their own relationships, projecting their own dissatisfaction onto clients and the seven million readers who looked to this book with forlorn earnestness. 

Men “score” love in large blocks of points while women score acts singularly; one nice act = one “point” rewarded by women, while in men’s eyes Big Acts can score 20, 30, 40 points at a time…WTF?  You can’t scorecard relationships like that, and you can’t jam people into Martian/Venutian pigeonholes.  Unless, of course, they actually ARE from Mars and/or Venus, in which case there are bigger fish to fry than whether or not they score relationships correctly. 

I have seen men withhold affection, I’ve seen women lump piles of love points on their plates like love is the meatball that tops their spaghetti.  As human beings, we exist in a continuum.  Our sexualities exist in a continuum, our intellectual ideals exist in a continuum…hell, even our taste for condiments exists in a continuum, as aioli seems to be sneaking onto menus just about everywhere now, and sriracha has become the darling condiment of the foodie set.  And, not surprisingly, I will claim that gender-based behavior-in-a-relationship issues exist…are you with me here?…in a continuum.  So when you find that woman who happens to be from Mars, accept that her behavior is perfectly normal and this Mars/Venus delineation is a contrived and dysfunctional yardstick by which to measure the relative health of a relationship.  Unless, of course, she really IS from Mars.  In that case, offer her some gum.

God help me I don’t remember where I got this Mars Attacks! screenshot from. Thanks, internets.

Dear Zamboni Lady:  If you’re traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on your headlights, what happens?

Signed, Fred Einstein

Dear Einstein: I’m assuming that you’re driving a car at the speed of light, and that there are no police around.  All things being relative, we have to assume that the car you’re in is traveling at the speed of light.  We also have to assume that the simple mechanics of the car will still work as they had originally been designed.  There is no way that the wiring in the car that operates the headlights will be able to process your request for headlights in a manner that will allow the light to shine forward—the wiring does not operate at light speed, so you’d be ahead of the light before it had a chance to get out in front of you.  So your car will trail light like Pigpen trails smoke, and you’ll still be in the dark.  Sucker.  If you had turned on the lights before you left this never would have happened.

As seen, for real, by me, in Italy.